How to Thrive in a Zombie Apocalypse

Every country has its horror stories. Spain has been conquered so many times no one could tell you what a true Spaniard is (citation needed). Now imagine you are at war. Everyone you love is gone. Your values no longer hold any meaning. You can't win, the enemy is too strong, they grossly outnumber you. But you are given an out. If you can't beat 'em, you can join 'em. If you are on the losing side and given a choice between death and joining the enemy you might as well be alive and on the winning side.

Hopefully you can already see where this is going. If the entire planet is overrun by the undead and you have managed to make it that far, good on you. Kill thousands of zombies every day, live in isolation and fear. But me? See you later loser, I'm joining the winning team. As a human you have to worry about gathering food, every day, or you will starve, and die. To get food you have to outsmart legions of the undead. As a zombie, you don't have to eat. You may eat a human every now and then, or try and spread your disease, but if you don't eat literally nothing bad will happen. Zombies also don't sleep, and they don't feel fear. You could go from being a lightbulb technician to being a super-soldier that humans have only hoped for.

You would basically be Captain America

Humans are weak and prone to dying, but Zombies are immortal. They aren't you say? They can still get shot in the head and decapitated? Sure they can, but that is only because most join the ranks of undead with small aspirations. I have only given out the information to survive a zombie apocalypse. What I am offering now is the knowledge of how to thrive in a zombie apocalypse. 

Top Tips to Survive as a Zombie

1. First thing is first. You want to cover your weaknesses, and zombies do have them. The first thing to do after getting bitten by a zombie is to wear a helmet. A big, strong, durable football one, preferably with a part that protects your face. This will protect from blunt attacks from baseball bats and golf-clubs. 

2. You want to protect your neck. If you don't have chain mail armour then I suggest you get a bunch of normal chain links and wrap them around your neck. This will prevent decapitation in most situation.

3. Get as many sharp objects as you can and shove them through your body. I would recommend swords facing outwards diagonally through your forearms. Repeatedly shove sharp weapons through your arm until you resemble Wolverine or something more frightening. By having sharp, slashy weapons protruding from your body you give yourself more weapons. And frankly zombies need more weapons, all they really have are their mouths, and we covered that in step one. By the time you become a zombie humans would be pretty deadly against stock-standard zombies. By using the element of surprise you can bolster the ranks of your undead team.

4. Make some noise. By completing the last 3 steps you have become an Alpha-level Zombie. But you aren't a rookie, oh no. You are a strong, independent woman. You want to be the Zombie King. That's fine, that's why you're reading this. My personal favourite for making noise is wearing squeaky shoes. If you don't have squeaky shoes then tie dog toys to the bottom of your feet. This will make beta zombies follow you around, giving you much better attack and defense against groups of humans. If you are somewhat of an engineer you may be able to rig together an alarm that sets off if your back falls against the floor, giving you a mighty army to defend your zombie self.

Hopefully these tips makes you feel safer about the impending zombie apocalypse and I hope you try and employ these tactics to get the most out of everyone else's misery.

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Don't think my amazing tips will help you? Let me know in the comments and I will help you out with your problems. Also I have a Twitter, so follow me or else : @KrisCreedYo